Something a little bit different

I recently read an article, in the Huffington Post, about an idea from the other side of the world. Norway to be exact. And no, that's not the "little bit different" referenced above.

 

It's the idea itself. Apparently, Norway's Minister for Children, Equality and Social Inclusion is trying to do something about Norway's 40% divorce rate: by encouraging couples to go on a 'date night'.

 

Solveig Horne told the Norwegian newspaper, the Aftenbladet, that she's encouraging couples to go on dates in order to rekindle their romance. Ms Horne explained "I saw the movie Date Night where an American couple try to go out to keep their relationship alive. In the film, everything goes wrong - but I thought it was a good idea."

 

If the science that says new experiences flood the human brain with dopamine (similiar to the sensations felt when first falling in love) the Norwegians could be on to something.

Christmas time?

In case you haven’t been to the supermarket lately, Christmas is coming.

For many it is a time of good will and cheer and the worst thing to be said for it is a grumble about the rush to buy last minute presents or the hustle of too many parties.

But for separating or separated parents it can be extra tough; not spending time with your children over Christmas can ruin the whole thing.

Ideally, you will have already reached an agreement with your ex to split the holidays (most often considered to be Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day) or you may actually be spending some of the time altogether.

But sometimes reality doesn’t match the ideal – and there is no agreement. What happens then?

Well, that all depends on you.

Now, your first instinct might be to respond with “no that all depends on him/her.” And, you might be right, in that your ex is being unreasonable. But, as a parent I’m sure you’ve seen that how you respond to an unreasonable toddler influences how they respond to you. We adults, at times of peak stress and anxiety, are not too different from toddlers.

My first recommendation is to take a deep breath and think about what it is about Christmas that is important to you. My second tip: get creative. And my final recommendation is compromise, compromise, compromise.

Some examples:

·       Watching your kids open presents first thing in the morning: chances are it’s important to your ex as well. Maybe you can alternate so that one year they waken at your home and then next with your ex.

·        The big family meal, sharing food and stories: maybe your family celebrate at lunch, while your ex’s have theirs at dinner or even on Boxing Day. A compromise can usually be found. And if you are both fighting for Christmas Day lunch well maybe alternate it.

·        The trip away to see family and friends: my first question to clients who raise this one is to ask what did you do during your relationship – did you go away every year? If you didn’t then maybe alternating is the way to continue. And if you did? Well many new traditions are created after separation and maybe alternating, perhaps with family coming to you every second year, is just one such new tradition.

As parents you are all good at putting your kids first and celebrating Christmas after separation is no different – my top tip is to remember that your children come first. Not getting more time with them than your ex. Or getting Christmas morning/lunch/the-whole-three-days. Or just keeping the fight going.

The kids won’t care if Christmas is different than before. They probably won’t really notice that it’s different. If Christmas is special for them and their extended family (both extended families) that’s all that matters for them.

 

So take that deep breath (or maybe two, because you probably need to take one just to brave the shops at this time of year) and remember that Christmas is a time to celebrate together with family - no matter what that looks like.  

How to: Reduce the cost of separation

In addition to the emotional strain of separation or divorce the financial cost can also be high. I’ve talked before about the impact of dividing assets between two people on longer term fiscal goals but today I want to look at how you can lessen the cost of the separation itself.

1. Choose your lawyer carefully

While your first inclination may be to go out and hire a “big gun” to make sure you take your ex for every dollar, that's probably not the best way to go. The reasons for this are many but basically they can be summarised as: the family law system is not based on this adversarial approach and as such you may be throwing good money after a result that just cannot eventuate.

Instead, let your emotions cool and do your research to find the best solicitor for you: view firm websites, speak to family and friends for referrals, or contact your State or local Law Society. It is usually far more important to try and get the right personality than the hired gun.

2. Be honest with your lawyer

This may not seem to be a money saving measure, but in Australia there are rules making the disclosure of all relevant information between you and your ex mandatory which means that your lawyer is going to need the information at some stage anyway so being honest upfront is far more cost effective as it will save having to have multiple meetings with your lawyer.

Also, non disclosure of relevant information is one reason why a legal property division can be overturned in the future – so if you are honest you could be saving yourself a lot of legal fees in the long run.

3. Get some advice on the practicalities

Ask your lawyer about what practical measures you should be taking to protect yourself from other expenses – such as, whether it is recommended to close joint bank accounts or transfer utilities between you and your ex in accordance with who is using them. Getting the right advice on this step can save you lots of time and money in the future.

4. Try to negotiate an agreement

Once you have had initial legal advice regarding your rights and responsibilities try and schedule some sit-down time with your ex to see if the two of you can come to a basic agreement that can then be turned into a legal document by your lawyer.

Obviously this isn’t always possible – due to family violence issues or your ex refusing to participate – but if you are able to reach an agreement with your ex your legal fees are going to be much lower.

5. Keep communication to a minimum

Be efficient in how you interact with your lawyer: make sure you comprehend our advice and if not ask us again, jot down your questions and ask them in the one phone call or meeting, make a summary of documents that need to be gathered together or things that need to be done.

Changes

You might have noticed my absence over the past month.

I have recently changed firms.

I am now at Mullane & Lindsay Solicitors.

Now that I've settled in here new posts will be coming shortly.